Datebook: Monday, July 31st

The packing made me realize that kayak would have come in handy. I could have stuffed quite a few items in that center hole. The weatherman projects a Bermuda High for this area that will bring the temperatures into the 100s and the map takes it all the way to the Canadian border. (I’m not really sure how we have such a problem with border security when the National Weather Bureau can stop the weather at boundary lines). It is hard to imagine 95 to 100 degrees in Lake Placid.

So with departure imminent, I wanted to come clean on another issue (remember the whole karma swirling about).

There is a second reason my husband does not come with me to competitions, or at least, to important ones.

He has trouble recognizing skating as a sport. There should be support groups for this but so far I have not discovered any.

To cope we have developed this pattern, or strategy, where I supply him with cursory information that does not require questions or comments, and if he does feel the need to make a statement, I reply, “That’s an interesting perspective.” This routine usually solves ensuing problems.

Sometimes I have been lulled into believing I can still convert him but this always ends in a Republican/Democrat 2006 type division. He totally believes the skaters are athletes, he just feels their efforts are abused and this is unfortunately due to the fact that he is prejudiced against any sport that does not use a ball, is not timed, or does not have clearly defined rules that spectators can follow.

Example.

Last September he attended a competition at our club. He, seemingly innocently, asked why we had 3 coaches on the boards for our team’s event.

“Because they each have a different skill they bring to the kids” I answered.

“And how much do they charge an hour?”

This is tricky—tell the truth but allow for misinterpretation.

“85.00 an hour”.

“Per coach?”

Cornered, you must always do the right thing.

“Did you bring the camera?” Try to change the subject.

“You’re holding it. Per coach?” My husband can never be distracted about money.

“Yes. But warm-up is only 5 minutes.”

“What can they tell them in 5 minutes they don’t already know?”

I sigh. This is like being in a back-up on the interstate. Do you wait it out or get off at the next exit and weave your way through. Either way will be annoying.

“Well, they can tell them to keep their shoulders up, or their head up, or to go deeper in the knees.”

“And they don’t know that by now?”

“They all get nervous at competitions.”

“Suppose I offer them 255.00 cash not to mess up.”

I give him the look.

“Okay, but they waste a lot of time in five minutes. They skate around, fall or whatever and then go back over to the boards. It would be more cost effective if the coaches would just use a signal system.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean, they could hold up one finger to signal “you messed up, do it again’, two fingers could mean, ‘keep your back straight’ three could …”

“Don’t be ridiculous, that wouldn’t work. The coaches also help boost their spirits and…”

“So get some cheerleaders over in the penalty box!”

“That’s an interesting perspective.” I change the subject, “I really love the costumes on the ice, the colors really pop.”

“Hummf” My husband knows these are dangerous water. “So tell me again why there are so many different costumes?”

“Because each team brings their own style to the dance!”

“But, I thought this was a compulsory dance?”

“It is.”

“So they are all doing the same dance? Isn’t there only one correct pattern?”

“Yes.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to judge if all the teams wore the same costume, like the same black, no sequins, dress, and guys wore the same black pants and shirt?”

“The judges aren’t influenced by costumes.”

“So they don’t any points for costume?”

“No, but they can get deductions if’s inappropriate or something comes off.”

He is speechless for a moment as I imagine him thinking of the Mets and their matching uniforms. Time for distraction and refocus.

“Would you mind getting me a diet coke, I might want dessert with dinner tonight.”

You just cannot explain the nuances of skating to a bat-and-ball kind of guy.

Safe travels.

Mombo #9