Datebook: Monday, April 9, 2007

There are some unusual factors about hospitals today.

For one thing, they have the smallest number of handicap parking spaces. You might argue that they don’t need them since most people are driven by relatives or are transported in ambulances, but, in a society that seems programmed to issue handicap parking decals to 60 percent of the population, I beg to differ. Our town has a small one-story mall with a proportionally sized parking lot. Every morning “Mall Walkers” arrive and fill all of the special parking spots for their daily cardio work-out of 3 to 5 miles of closed shop walking.

The irony, of course, is these velour-workout-suit clad walkers get angry if all of the handicap spots are occupied because it means they will have to, well, walk a longer distance, about 20 feet, to the mall entrance doors so they can begin their, well, walking route.

So, I was a bit shocked to see only five handicapped parking spots in the visitor parking lot at a large metropolitan hospital. Our local Starbucks has three handicap spots right in front of the store which seems to be a 3 to15 ratio compared to the 5 to 500 ratio for the hospital. I haven’t really processed the symbolism of this yet, but I think it somehow relates to degree of seriousness and hospitals aren’t going to fool around with those who get a hang-tag for ingrown toenails anymore than the ushers are going to allow making change from the offering plate at church.

Another unusual factor about hospitals today is, well, they aren’t like Grey’s Anatomy. The patient rooms are not like the Ritz-Carlton which would allow you to build say a large dollhouse like a recent episode. There are very few single rooms and the doubles won’t accommodate a family of eight, like some earlier shows where George’s large family all crowd around with the pack of seven doctors.

I have not been a patient for many years so I was also surprised to note that hospitals today have “Room Service”. I’m not kidding. Years ago, you were given a menu card and a small golf pencil and it was collected by a shower-capped employee. If you forgot to check off an item, like salt and pepper, cream for your coffee, or mayonnaise, well, it was just too bad. Today, you can call down to the kitchen and they will bring you whatever you want with all condiments just as if you are staying at a Holiday Inn except you don’t have to set the tray in the hallway, and worry about tripping over it in the morning.

Another amazing change at hospitals today involves back rubs.

Okay, so you still have those gowns that tie in the back and are a bit short, but now you get a nightly back rub.

For twenty minutes. With lotion.

The staff still wears latex gloves while administering this but after 20 seconds you forget this rubberized sensation and get lost in the mere joy of having your muscles soothed from spending several hours of lying in, well, a craft-matic type of bed. Watching free cable TV.

So it occurs to me with the rising cost of airfare, hotel rooms, and rental cars, that folks could just stay close to home for a little vacation. That’s right. You could decide to have a bit of elective surgery done if no real ailment presents itself and wallow in the lap of luxury for a few days—enjoying a bed that can maneuver to 83 positions, ordering room service, watching TV, and getting daily massages.

The only problem would be if you have handicapped relatives that need visitor parking.

Mombo